I would sit here now but my mind is clouded with coughing and sneezes that kept me awake for a good part of the night but when I fell asleep,  managed to have a dream that was strange in nature.   That as I had fallen asleep in the hotel room on the morning of December 19th,  the thoughts that were in my mind were that of mourning and horror — from the images that would stand in the mind as I would be looking at the magazines about the attack.  That it would be in that would be on the written page as I would stare at blank pages and pages that would be written in the back of the mind on the heart as I would fall asleep and dream.   Though this would stand in the back of my mind as I would walk along highway 30,  that it would be in the back of the mind as I would look at the waters which reflect the darkness below. 
   At how one can see home as a place which one could not feel safe but still it is there — that it would be in the mind as one would lay in bed after walking for a few hours;  hoping in those hours that one would be too tired to even think.   But as I would write this now I am trying to struggle between the coughs and sneezes between typing;  it would be in the conscious dreaming that would be as I would sleep that I could feel myself falling from the sky as I could not breathe and see — that it would be in the feeling of that of someone who had felt themselves go lifeless before their eyes.   It would come to the mind as I would look out the window and my eyes would fall heavy after being awake for close to 48 hours.   Deeper I would sink as I would not feel myself breathing but the burn of my lungs as I would try to cough. 
    Deeper in sleep that I would fall that it would come to the dream that would be as I would describe — that it would be in the house where three children died would be the setting of the dream.   I would find myself in the room where they are as they would lay lifeless on the bed after the mother had told them to ingest the mother’s pills.   That I would feel my arms pull off my body at the elbows that it would be in the dream that I would see them as they are no longer able to see the sky.   It would be as I would be sleeping that I could hear her voice on the phone saying, “I did it — and I want to say goodbye to the children.”  That it would be in their coming mind that it would be in the question that would come in their minds as they were told that they had to go — the questions of what is knowing in the mind of those who knew or asked the questions that would come of the unwritten answers.
    The thoughts that would be there as I would lay on the bed in the room were as I would look out the window that was open to counteract the heater that was going at the same time.   It would come as the fundamental thoughts that would come as the questions asked in a Bible Belt that would come in the communication of what would be as the thoughts in the mind as one would allow the children to pass as a sacrifice — as it would appear on the bed; the children of Lemak were a sacrifice to a higher power.  That in the comprehension that it would come as I would fall asleep of where one would be walking among the urban nomads that would be in their sleep that I would have the thoughts that would come upon a blank page.  It would come to the thoughts in a tormenting revelation that would be in the mind — that this would be as one as myself continues to cough and sneeze while trying to type out the words that would paint a picture of a dark dream that would be in the back of the head as one is not dead but dreaming.  
     Among the thoughts that would be as I would look at the flickering light of the hotel room’s television, that it would be as it would always had been that I had problems sleeping in strange beds.  It would come as the thought that would be as I would ride the commuter in the early morning back to the hotel which it would be in the questions that would come in the back of the mind — that as I would be in the warm room when others are not so fortunate.   The very thought that is in my mind as one would look in the subconscious mind as it would be in the human dream — when it would be while I would be dreaming that it would be as I would be walking around the streets at night where I would see the mothers and children sleeping beneath the hotels on thrown out mattresses and blankets discarded from the gold coast. 
    So is this would it been seen among them that they are gathered in the streets where they would lay down to sleep.  This would come in the mind as I would see one lone person sitting beneath a phone asking for change to get something to eat or finding a room in a motel in the West Loop.   It would come to the sense of the mind as I would sit at a desk in a desolate hotel in middle of Joliet City Center — that it would have the appearance of being a ghost town at night after about 10 PM.  It would be even when the sounds of the police sirens and gunfire would draw their echo in the darkness even if they are about two miles past where my sleeping room is.  As I would lay in bed covered past my neck to keep warm — it would be as I would have trouble sleeping from what I had seen on the news about a blade shoved into a picture carving out the heart.   That in my mind as it wanders while walking along highway 30 that it would be in the sullen thoughts which are there in the mind as I would slip between conscious thought and sleeping dream.
    In the wandering nomads that would be in the spirits of the dead and dreaming mind; the horrors that would draw out as one would walk into the shops and cafes would be in the imagination of those who are left behind.  In which is in the cold chill which cuts through the flesh to bone that it would stand in the mind as one would slip into the sleep which one would begin the dream and see among the night terror that would come in the back of the mind.   In the darkness seen among the sleep and death among the dreams to come.   In the sleep that would be as I would lay on my back and the thoughts that would be there as time would look back;  sitting in the thoughts that would come of the eyes that would see and the blind are hearing among the horrors that are there.
    It would come from the emptiness from the depth that would be as one would begin to dream — in the depth among thoughts and horror drawn in the mind as time would draw itself out.   Time would be in the question of the mind as I would lay in bed looking at the falling cracks knowing in strange beds I have problems sleeping.   It would stand along the highway that it would be in the mind and the sleep that would come among the dead and dreaming.   Falling it would come as I would sit in the dark lights of the club with the thoughts that would come thundering in the mind as I stood there — it would be in the slow motion of the soul that it stands as two cars are going into each other front end first.   It would come to the mind as one would allow their consciousness to die as they would sleep;  just so they can numb their dreams or nightmares they don’t want to remember.
    Time — inside of the fear spawning of the growth and creeping from in the sleep that would come as the dreams are there.  Would come to within our darkest days and within the nightmares drawn from in the mind as it would be seen — the horror within the crumbling.   Gathering horror within the mental overload as I would walk the streets where I would see so many sleeping on the concrete beds as they would mourn for those who would no longer be here and now in the times that would come — that it would be in the darkness of the human souls to come.  Among the many who are sleeping beneath — of the words that would be written on pages that they would never see or never able to read as this entry is written.  That it would be from my dreams that I could hear them screaming as the thoughts that would come to the mind as I am here writing — through the coughs and sneezes that are clouding the thoughts that would be in the mind as I am looking at the keyboard at this hour.
    My teeth grind from the thought that it would be in the nightmares which linger in the back of the mind as I would walk — walking along highway 30 which I can hear the teeth of my soul grind from the horror.  At times when I would sleep,  that I would pray that I would not dream — that not even in the words written among the prayers over the nightmares would be existent.   When one would gather among the chapel is where one would try to run away from the nightmares but it would be as one would claw at the loose mud that buries them before their body is dead.  The very thoughts that would come to the mind as I would write this now would describe all the people who are on the street and sleeping then looked at as they would be lepers or that description.   That it would come as gospel truth in the word that would come in the mind as I am writing out this journal — that it would come to the words that would be among the thoughts that would come as one had been born again from darkness playing out in the mind.