I snagged this one from acristis, and thought I would do some of my brain damaged edits to this because I thought it was funnier than hell. I had to make a few jokes of my own to the mix.

New Year’s Day — the day were everyone gets so shitfaced drunk and the next day they are puking it off.
     M L King Jr. Day –  all respect to my friends who are from the African American community.
Lincoln’s Birthday – major holiday around here.
    Valentine’s Day Isn’t this one self explainitory? Give me a heart and i’ll give you mine.. maybe we need to start a new trend..Giving your”love” the actual heart from your chest, wouldnt be a bad valentine.. just tattoo on it “be mine” and yer there. anyways fuck off this holiday is overrated unless you are with your lady or wife.  This is where a lot of my friends get laid.
Washington’s Birthday – i really don’t give a fuck
Ash Wednesday this really gets the kids a day outta school and people off work; namely one of those holidays for the holy.
      St. Patrick’s Day  — OOKIE. iM A LITTLE GREEN MAN WITH A POT-O-GOLD. pinch my ass cuz i aint got no green on.. actually.. this is a fun holiday,  actually two days later is the Italian version.  Everyone dresses in red.  Get a little shit faced and piss in the green river.
      April Fool’s Day My pranks are so sick so they end up getting me thrown in jail anyways so fuck off, 
     Palm Sunday might as well have been named “NATIONAL BATE DAY”
    Daylight Savings Time Begins – wOOt
    Good Friday FOODSTAMP DAY!
    Passover*  — major holiday with friends of mine
Easter Sunday FUCK the easterbunny. he can take those eggs and SHOVE EM BACK up his bloody arse! But those who are Christians and Catholics this is a major holiday
Secretaries Day NaTIONAL FUCK YER SECRETARIE day – (father’s lock up your daughters)
   Mother’s Day —  I do honor my mother here so I give this one a lot of respect
    Armed Forces Day i LIKE the sound of this one.. but since there is no violence involved – FUCK YOU-
Memorial Day – all respect – especially with the vets in the family.  I have about 12 veterans in the family.
Flag Day —  I like to put the red, white and green flag up for the motherland on this day,  hello to my relatives in Italy.
   Father’s Day hmm.. My biological dad is a prick who left my mother.  For all that matter now he might be a homo is prison.
    Gay Pride Day – This is what I call the faggot march,  all of us who are straight like to make the most jokes about this one.  Especially all of my friends in DuPage county and the cousin on the south side.
Independence Day – as I like to be a little pyro 
    Bastille Day WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
    Labor Day what comes to mind -POP A FEW KIDS OUT AND GET READY FOR NEXT LABOR DAY- HA. fuck YOU  (god damn this one is fucking hilarious)
    Patriot Day — September 11th
    Rosh Hashanah –
    Yom Kippur – 
    Columbus Day – another day off from school when I was in high school.  A major Italian holiday.
     National Coming Out Day comming out of the closet?  (falls over laughing)
      National Boss Day — one boss who I really would give respect to and that is the one from College of DuPage. 
    United Nations Day – Grin*
    Daylight Savings Time Ends eh FUUUUUUCK YYOOOOOUU!
     Halloween not a bad holiday — it is the shit if you are gothic, the only holiday where they don’t give you shit for dressing in black.  aka  Samhain, All Hallow’s Eve, Day of the Dead
   Veterans Day — those who served and those who died,  memories of what is left.
   Thanksgiving Day i am absolutly thankful for  that I am still here after all those times I had faced and cheated death.
   World AIDS Day – all respect – especially to the families who are left behihnd
    Hanukkah — for my friends who are Jewish,  have a nice holiday here.
    Christmas Day — this is one I don’t mind to celebrate.
    New Year’s – scroll back to top of the list – and yeah.. FUCK YOU TOO-